Yesterday I was plagued with anxiety. It happens. I wake up at some insane hour early in the morning, my mind racing and I can’t get back to sleep. I get up, make some tea and sit with God and my journal, pouring out my angst. And yet…. after journaling, I could still feel the nervous buzz throughout my body. I tried to use up my nervous energy with action: check emails, apply for a job that looks interesting, walk the dog, feed the cats, throw in a load of laundry, empty the dishwasher… And yet, I still felt plagued by the buzzy, uncomfortable feeling of worry and stress.
Ugh! Why can I not just get over this??!, I thought, berating myself.
I thought about the verses that often provide encouragement in times of stress… but they weren’t quite reaching me. I thought about how I just need to trust God with the situation, that I need to choose joy and all of those familiar platitudes… but… they just weren’t helping. How can I ‘choose joy’ when in the midst of the angst? What does it look like practically to trust God here?
I happened to have a spiritual direction appointment booked yesterday so I shared how I was feeling. As always, she listened with compassion and care. She spoke wisdom words about how it’s important to sit with those feelings even when it’s hard to do. She reminded me of my propensity to run from the worry, the stress, and to very quickly move into action to try to burn off the physical manifestations of stress that make my heart and mind race, to try to distract myself from the anxious flutters in my tummy and the racing thoughts. Just get busy, is my main MO.
She invited me to actually welcome anxiety, in order to listen to what it wanted to say to me. I closed my eyes, and imagined trying to welcome this character but I felt reluctant about it. I didn’t really want to hear what it wanted to say. I just wanted it to go away. My director reminded me that when we are able to welcome these unwelcome parts of ourselves, it helps. I sighed, inwardly. In my imagination, I actually had a funny caricature picture of worry and anxiety; it reminded me of the Disney movie Inside Out. I invited them to sit with me at a picnic table. I still felt reluctant. But as they sat down, I felt a sense of relief emanating from the character anxiety – she seemed relieved that I was willing to listen to her.
After listening to what anxiety and worry were stewing about, and writing this down in my journal, as well as any other thoughts that arose, we then invited Jesus onto the scene. What I found interesting was that on the coattails of Jesus were 2 more characters: fear and sadness. I realized that not only was stress and anxiety present, but underneath there were other emotions as well. My director invited me to give the emotions to Jesus. In my mind’s eye, I pictured Jesus wrapping His arms around the (now 4!) characters in the scene. He sat on one side of the picnic table, His arms full. He didn’t say anything. But in a moment, I had a sense of the immense power and presence of Jesus. I was overwhelmed with the idea that ‘everything is ok… I am here’. It wasn’t an audible voice, more of an understanding or a sense of the immensity of His power. And there was peace in that. Jesus then handed me something – it was a beautiful sphere, all covered in marbled shades and hues of blue, moving and swirling. It reminded me of water. I had the sense that it represented His peace.
After our session, I felt lighter. As the day went on, even though the life situation had not changed, the anxious feelings had abated somewhat. And in my mind’s eye, I had that powerful image of Jesus, His arms wrapped tight around my emotions, reassuring all of us that ‘everything is ok… I am here‘.
Heart Murmurs 