Don’t know about all you other moms out there but I began my morning, after trying to deal with the kids for a half hour, on a rage run. Tears streamed as I ran. I didn’t even care who saw. I was so angry.
I was so angry because one of the kids stayed up way too late and came up grumpy, spewing angry words all over the rest of us. It affected the whole atmosphere and led to more unhappiness, more anger and more hurtful words thrown all over the kitchen.
I was so angry because I want our home to be a safe space, a place of haven from the ugly vicious world that surrounds us. I don’t want those harsh words and mean words being thrown about, looking to wound each other.
F%*# this, I said in my mind, and ran out the door to run off the pent up rage that had been building in my chest the entire time.
As I ran my mind scrolled through all the beautiful pictures posted on Insta and Facebook, showing all of our most beautiful, happy family moments. Sometimes I long to post the reality. The real life that is family. It is sometimes so very ugly.
You know that nice family at church? The one all dressed up every Sunday, sitting calmly together? Maybe even the ones that lead worship or lead prayers up front? They have an ugly side too. Nobody is perfect. There are stories that you cannot even imagine behind the closed doors of every family.
To be honest, at this point I can’t take photos of my kids in meltdown mode as they are teens or almost-teens. I guess I could document my own ugly moments… like the one I had this morning.
The one where I lost it on the one child who had stayed up too late and became a catalyst for the downward spiral of hurt. And then I find out he had stayed up late making a card for someone.
Cue complete deflation of anger and incredible sense of guilt.
This child wasn’t up late playing on a tablet, or a phone. He wasn’t up late to defy me or spite me. He was up, thinking of someone else and trying to bless their day with a card.
And this is where I just want to post #parentingfail on my shirt today. Anyone else ever feel that way?
I need a group hug, moms. Seriously. We all need that group hug, that support when we have messed up and lost our cool before the day has hardly begun.
I know that I will have a conversation later today. There will be an apology and hopefully some workshopping and brainstorming about how to make things better. In the meantime, there is grace. Grace from the One who loves me… even when I’m running off the rage.