Why you are never alone, even when you feel that you are

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The emotions welled up from some deep part of me. The deep heart-part of me. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling those things.

Part of my still-unhealed-heart was begging to be heard {again} and it was painful.

I spent some time in prayer with 2 beautiful pray-ers who listen to the Spirit.

The grief {that seemed to be bubbling up through the strained membrane of repression} stems back to the early days of my twins, when I still had a just-turned-2-yr old clinging to my knees. And then two bawling infants piled on top of that.

I didn’t know then that I was suffering from post-partum depression. I still had good days, so how could I be depressed? I wasn’t crying all the time. I thought that the complete overwhelmedness of life, my inability to get my head above water, the feeling of isolation, drowning, utter exhaustion, was a result of my life circumstances. Who wouldn’t feel that way, dealing with what was on my plate every day?

As we headed into prayer, I was told to put myself back there, back in those days of pain. I saw myself, upstairs in our house (at the time) yelling at God in anger:

“Where are you? I can’t find you! Where are you? I can’t see you! I can’t hear you!”

It’s how I felt. I couldn’t feel God, couldn’t hear God, couldn’t sense God. I knew in my head that He was there because He promises to never leave us, never forsake us, but I couldn’t find Him anywhere. And I was angry! Why would He not be near when I was in the deepest, darkest time of my life?

I couldn’t understand.

One of the woman then prayed that Jesus would show me where He was: that He indeed was there with me.

This time, when I put myself back in that place, the picture had changed slightly. I was upstairs, yelling in my anger, but this time, every time I yelled, Jesus would say “I’m right here” in response to my anguished queries.

“I’m right here” over and over again as I raged and ranted and lashed out with my fists.

And he was encircling me. He was a luminous presence, all around me, a circle, behind and before me.

But in my pain, I couldn’t see him. I was still yelling, still hitting, but it was like I was hitting right through him. He was all around me, but I was unable to sense or know His complete presence with me.

In my weakness, in my pain, in my loneliness, Jesus was still there with me. Right around me, in fact.

Right. There.

And He is right there with you too… in whatever life circumstances you find yourself in. Whether mired in mud up to your eyeballs, drowning in the depths of despair, singing praises on the heights of a mountain… Jesus encircles you.

God, ever present,  please hold those who cannot see you, but are struggling so hard, maybe even just fighting for breath today… would you hold them so tightly that they cannot deny that you are there? Would you please encircle them with a warmth, a physical manifestation of your presence? You, who surrounds us with your Love, the furious love that relentlessly pursues our hearts… be near to those who suffer today.

Related posts : Healed

Journeys of Healing 

Peeling back the Layers

Depression

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3 responses »

  1. There are many life experiences where the fog of pain seems so much closer to us (and more real) than anything or anyone else. Jesus himself wasn’t a stranger to such things according to the gospel records. Perhaps your entry could also be tagged “mystery”. Mostly in our culture we don’t like to dwell in or on the unresolved, be that post-partum depression or the mysteries of presence (Jesus and pain included). Thankfully we are often given the grace to get to the other side of personal pain. I wonder if there is grace also to get to the other side of Jesus? The story about Jesus speaks of “the fellowship of his sufferings” and entering into that. I wonder if your pain back then isn’t (among other things) a doorway into his presence now? Would that be a sharing in the fellowship of his sufferings? What a mystery… a weaving together… turning the inside out… learning to find a different kind of presence. My best guess is that some mysteries are meant to be held in your heart for a great many years, especially the “why” mysteries… their insights and treasures seem to be of the “slow release” variety… every ten years or so they probably yield a new insight, like the insights you’ve shared here.

    Do keep writing… you’re good at it!

    blessings,
    gj

    • Thanks Gord. My heart resonates with that “why” question. Why, in my deepest, darkest hours, could I not sense the presence of Jesus with me when I so needed that? Why wouldn’t God reach through in some tangible way? I *see* the reality of God with me in that space. And yes, I agree that we do not like to live in the unresolved questions. We always want to know “why”. The why questions are a mystery. Thank you for suggesting possibilities … sometimes the answers are not clear, but there might be other reasons, as you suggest. I look forward to the insights and treasures that might be discovered later on as the mysteries live in my heart.

  2. Pingback: To a {struggling} new mom | Heart Murmurs

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